I'm not really sure what i want to write about tho i'm sure that since i'm a bit drunk and a bit stoned it will end up to me whining so if it does just ignore it all, i'm just a lonely douche that doesnt matter blah blah. i haven't really been painting that much mostly cause i'm just not inspired by anything. There's really nothing of value in my life right now and nothing to distinguish one event from another. It feels as if all i do now is workworkworksleepsmokesleepworksleepwork smokesleep and i feel like i'm really getting into a shitty rut. like i love my friends but at the same time i just dont necessarily feel like i ever fit in with any of them. like i dont know anyone that likes the same things i like. i Guess that makes sense as to why i dont have a girlfriend yet. no one around here likes anything but metal. i have no friends that i can share things that i like to talk about. and most of my friends are too smart for me and then i cant talk about anythign because i'm always fucking wrong about everything and i'm always the douche cause i dont like what they like. i cant wait to actually meet someone with the same interests as me. i'd like to be able to one day just sit and be able to talk to some one with out them saying "no i dont want to talk about that cause it's gay or stupid." "i dont want to watch that video because my comedy genius is far to high brow for this bullshit." like heaven forbid i like some video with some cute kid. i know one of my best friends (if not my best) is going to read this and think i'm targeting him but i'm really not. he's really awesome and a sick friend but he always says i rag on things he likes, but he kinda does the same thing just more subtly. And still i do not mean to rag on him in anyway but i don't think he realizes that everytime i'm around him i feel horribly stupid in comparison. Like all i think when i'm around him is "god dammit why am i so dumb, no wonder no one wants to talk to me, i have nothing important to say and nothing at all substantial to say." i guess i can really understand why i dont have a girlfriend, who wants to go out with someone who can only make slurred "your mother" jokes as conversation. i guess i'm not going to get a girlfriend ever because i am such an idiot and girls like someone that doesnt just scream random things cause he's a moron.

Holden